I'm feeling a bit all over the place today. I was hoping to write up a nice post about Sarah and Hannah's birthday, followed by a miserable post about the all-day reading exam I took on Friday, Dec 7, then some pre-holiday ramblings about how much work I had to do, how excited I am for Christmas, how confused and conflicted I feel over next semester, etc. Here are the main things on my mind:
1. After a hard debate with myself, my fellow grad students, and teachers in the department, I ended up dropping my 101 section for winter. It only had 8 students enrolled in it. Now I wish I hadn't. I wouldn't get paid very much, but I had already done all the work for the class, and I was looking forward to teaching it in a much less stressful situation. And it looks like I may not teach it again before I graduate unless I do some fine finagling. And my sister was going to take it from me. And now I have to find more work that will end up being less fun and probably won't even pay that much. And I've got a sick, queasy feeling in my stomach that won't go away, probably until next semester is over. Why do I have to make important decisions at the time when my brain is completely dead?
2. I have had a canker sore on the left side of my mouth for the past four days. Sometimes it's incredibly painful; other times, it goes numb and doesn't really bother me. But it always comes back to remind me a) in the morning, b) whenever I kiss Matthew, c) whenever we cuddle lying down, d) whenever I brush my teeth, and e) whenever I eat. That's a lot of reminders. And I haven't even mentioned two other ailments I've had going on for a while, one on my perpetually infected big toe, and one in a place which shall not be named.
3. For a long time, my car has persnicketedly (word of the day!) decided to refuse to open its trunk unless you use my key (aka The One True Key). Now it has refused to work even for this key. It doesn't matter if everything is locked, open, shut, running, or off. The way is shut. And frustration is building.
4. I am becomingly increasingly aware of how my family members and I disagree on EVERYTHING. Now, my husband says I'm exaggerating, and I might be. But I don't think so. Basically, we all have to come to a common ground to talk nicely about things, and whenever we waver from this common - usually right on the edge between boring/interesting and joking/offensive - ground, someone ends up saying, "Let's not talk about that," or "That doesn't sound very nice," or awkward silence, or "Ehhhh - can we change the subject." So to compensate, I have to play act/hide my feelings twice as much whenever we are visiting family, and it's exhausting. And I'm starting to get that this is probably normal for most families. It's kind of a difficult realization to make. But I'm fortunate that I'm not entirely alone yet. Thank goodness for husbands who don't mind their wives spilling all their feelings to them every night. And for prayers.
5. I need to work out more. But I also have to go to work. I wish I had more friends at church. But I actually prefer to be left alone. I really want a baby or a cat. Do any of you guys know how much I love cats?????? "A lot" is the answer. Our neighbors have one and I AM SO JEALOUS (but we're not allowed to have them, so our neighbors are probably criminals). But I also don't like it when things change, and our lives will change drastically with the addition of a third member. I sure wish I was teaching that class. But I blew my chance and it's too late to go back. I wish I was done with school. I feel burned out. I'm sick and tired of the stress. I'm sick and tired of people telling me to enjoy it while it lasts (I imagine mothers cleaning out their babies' diapers feel similarly when people tell them to cherish that moment while it lasts). But I also like it, and part of me will be sad when it's over. Can you see why I labeled this post "The Weather Report"?
And now, a few happy things to end with:
1. The Hobbit. We are planning to see this on Friday. I am excited. The End (Or...the BEGINNING).
2. The song "Up" by Shania Twain. It's been stuck in my head the past few days and I'm seriously falling in love.
3. Swimming.
4. Potatoes.
5. Downton Abbey. Got this after being no. 70 or something on hold at the Provo library, and then immediately got Matthew to check out season 2 for me at the Orem library (you have to pay money, but not waiting in line for another half-a-year was WORTH IT). I'm gonna be crushed when I finish the second season, though. But none of that matters. Branson and Sybil/Anna and Bates/Mary and Matthew forever!
