What I Learned as a Grad Student, Semester 1

Here it is, folks! That list of all-important things I learned during my first year as a graduate student. Learn from me, and you will be totally prepared should you ever find yourself in my footsteps.

1. As a graduate student, you can work 30 hours. This is helpful to know before you are given a warning by the secretary of the department of one of your jobs and before you compose and send a lengthy e-mail requesting an extension to both departments.

2. If you have two jobs for the first time on campus, you may find it difficult to record your hours. This may be because you were not granted online access for nearly a month and thus had to stay on campus to punch out even if you are doing some of your work off-campus. It may also be because the entire campus system of Kronos was overthrown in the middle of the semester and you had to figure out the retard--um, the new system, Y-Time.

3. If the semester feels vaguely familiar to you, it might be because you are TA-ing the exact same class by the exact same professor in the exact same room in the exact same building.

4. If the semester feels vaguely different to you, it might be because your professor has slightly altered the class so that almost none of your lesson plans for last year's discussion sections apply.

5. It may also be because the rooms where you teach have computers and projectors in them!

6. When both of your graduate-level classes meet in the same room, it may be nice to come up with a way to make sure you always know which class you're in. Say, by sitting on the other side of the table.

7. It's a great idea to bring your computer to class to take notes! Just make sure that you 1) sit at an angle so no one can see what you're typing, 2) turn off the sound before packing the computer so that you don't disrupt class when your computer starts, 3) arrive to class early so that your computer will finish the lengthy 'turning on'  process before class is over,  4) get used to holding books open with one hand so you can read while you're walking to and from school, and 5) don't accidentally leave your computer in the humanities department's lunchroom when you go there to pick up some free food.

8. Remember how you used to worship the syllabus as a undergraduate, reading it and underlining its various passages, due dates, and assignments? Well, forget all that. After the first week or two, the syllabus will start to become obsolete. At first this will be subtle, like when your professor talks about the wrong book on the wrong day, or when you take an entire class period off to discuss how annoying it is to grade undergraduate writing. This transformation will become complete by the end of the semester, when every due date is pushed back, certain requirements are forgotten about altogether ("Final? We're having a final? Since when?"), and paper guidelines become a source of comedy ("It says here the main difference between the short and long papers is that we're supposed to write about more than one film in the long paper! Did you ever hear anything so absurd!?!?").

9. If you decide to follow the advice you were given at the beginning of the semester and begin working on plans/ideas/committees for your thesis right away, good for you! If you become overwhelmed the next week by all the reading and writing you are expected to do and thus forget entirely about your thesis, well, better luck next semester, when you will be forced to come up with a thesis topic or be kicked out of the program!

10. Free food for graduates! What a wonderful idea! The only thing I can think of to improve the graduate dinners we attended would be to offer adult-sized servings as well as children-sized.

11. Interlibrary loans of articles for graduates! What a wonderful idea! Now if there was only some way to know what articles and books you were going to need to research the topic you were going to write on in the semester before you were taking the class.

12. Remember how the last day of class used to be emotional and everyone would want to stay afterwards and say nice things about the class and the professor and promise to get together and take other classes together and then there would be a round of applause and each student would take a chocolate-covered donut or something on the way out? Yeah, me neither. Which brings me to

13. Don't be the last one out of the classroom on the last day of class. You'll be forced to say nice things about the class and the professor and promise to try to take more classes with the same people and maybe even find yourself committing to drop by and discuss "the thesis."

14. The hierarchy of knowledge, experience, and power goes 1) single grad students, 2) married grad students, 3) married grad students with babies, 4) married professors with children of any age, and 5) single, cranky, typically old professors.

Allow me to explain further: No. 1s tend to be fiercely independent or nonchalant regarding their unproved status, and often create bonds of friendship with no. 4s and 5s to elevate their levels of influence and secondhand experience. No. 1s also generally have the most knowledge of obscure topics in popular culture, such as what band did what song in what year, and what film references what saying by what crazy rock star.

While no. 2s tend to be the most optimistic, they must remember that they know nothing of hardship or trial compared to the no. 3s, because they've never given birth or been woken up in the middle of the night by a crying baby.

The majority of no. 3s are quite practical and keep the class on focus with questions like "How is this going to help me get a job?" and "Could we cover this topic before I have to leave class to pick up my daughter?" There are a few exceptional no. 3s, who try to maintain the cool nonchalance of the no. 1 while courting the admiration of the no. 2s by showing off countless pictures and anecdotes of their alleged children. Note that these no. 3s tend to drink a lot of soda and always always always bring a laptop to class.

I will save my notes on no. 4s and 5s for a later time, since this is already becoming quite the sidetrack.

15. You CAN write 50 pages in a week. I never said it would be easy. I never said it would be worth it. But even so, it's nice to know.

16. On some days, your hair will look like THIS. I have prepared a handy top five list of excuses:

5. "I just went to the gym." More convincing if you happen to be wearing an exercise shirt at the time.

4. "I think I'm coming down with something." Said in your best hoarse voice.

3. "We don't have a mirror in our apartment and I lost my comb." Works well if said in a desperate, quivering voice, accompanied nearly by tears.

2. "Eh, I'm already married." Sure to inspire wonder or hope in single students, create instant camaraderie with married students, and stir up jealousy from socially awkward or weird strangers who have the nerve to question you about your looks.

1. "I'm a graduate student." This classic can be played in several ways: There's the emotionless voice coupled with the distant, distracted gaze; the maniacal laugh and crazy-glint-in-eye combination; the cool shrug of the shoulders and careless tossing of hair; and my favorite, the sorrowful, depressed confession accompanied by heavy sobs indicating that you have only just now realized the sacrifices entailed by your life.

Merry Christmas break, everyone! And good luck on your thesis!