Vexing Conversations of the Past Few Days

Scene: Perky student approaches after class.

Perky student: "So, I'm trying to come up with some ideas on how I can make my implications section stronger. I know how this is going to sound, because I'm a Writing Fellow, and I hear students tell me this all the time and I think 'Aaaargh - that is SO your job!' but could you help me....ummm.......brainstorm some implications?"

Me: "!???!?!??!?? Mmmmm - tell me how you would handle this, again...."

*********

Scene: Irritated student raises hand in the middle of a final exam review.

Irritated student: "I still don't get how we're supposed to compare Emerson and Thoreau."

Me: "Well, just know the basic similarities and differences between them based on what we read and talked about in class."

Student (pounding on the desk in frustration): "But what ARE the differences? They're too similar!"

Me: (Scrambling) "Well, what do you guys think? I mean, obviously Emerson didn't go out to live in the woods...so you might start with that. Can anyone else think of anything?"

Silence......................

Me: "Just focus on your notes - it won't be a big deal as long as you know what we've talked about. The main focus should be on telling the difference between them. So, moving on..."

Student: (tearing out chunks of hair, shrill scream) "I DON'T GET IT! Why can't you at least give us some bullet points to cover the general concepts!?!!!!?"

Me: (In an undiscernable whisper) "Because, um, that would be chea.......ting....." (Louder) "I'm not prepared to discuss them in depth right now, but we can talk later, and I really suggest you review your notes and the reading to see how they're different."

Student: (Hurls book at the wall, mutters a stream of curses in foreign languages under her breath, and settles down with a scowl for the rest of the review...)

***********

Scene: Someone in our family tells me that someone is on the phone for me. I pick up the phone.

Me: "Hello?"

Girl: "Um, hello?"

Me: "Yeah, it's Ruth. Are you calling about visiting teaching?" (Clarification - 98% of phone calls which I receive are about visiting teaching)

Girl: "No, not this time."

Me: "Ok."

Pause.........

Silence.........

Now entering threshold of awkwardness..........

Me: "So, what's up?"

Girl: "I'm calling to see if you can do X on Saturday."

Me: "Oh, sorry. I have other plans then - writing papers and all that."

Silence...............

ENHANCED AWKWARDNESS...............

Me: "Hello?"

Girl: "Okay."

Me: "Okay?"

Silence................

AWKWARDNESS LEVEL VERY HIGH - WARNING: HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER/ANGER/PANIC AHEAD!!!!

Me: "Well, goodbye then."

Girl: "Okay. Bye."

************

Scene: I'm writing a paper in the dining room. The doorbell rings. Nobody answers it. Finally, I get up and run over, opening it to find three youngish Hispanic kids.

Kid #1: "Oh, hey! Peekaboo!"

Me: "Um, hey...."

Kid #1: (talking to the others) "So, anyway, this is where he lives. I found his house."

Me: (Annoyed) "What do you guys want?"

Kid #1: "Are you Daniel's mother?"

Me: (Furious/Baffled/Shocked)SPLUMGHTTTPHPHHTHHnoI'mnothowdareyouthat'sitIamslammingthisdoorrightnowandgettingbacktomypaperdidhereallythinkthatIlooklikeDaniel'smotherwhenI'mhisYOUNGERsisterbyTWOYEARSandhowmuchtroublewillIgetintoifIpunchthiskidinthechinashardasIcan???!???????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????

Kid #1: (Approximately 0.5 seconds later) "Or his sister?"

Me: (Struggling to keep clenched fists by side)

Me: (Through gritted teeth) "How do you know Daniel?"

Kid #1: "I'm his mentor!" (Note: Daniel is actually Kid #1's mentor. The fact that Kid #1 is apparently not very bright makes me feel about 0.0985% better)

Me: (Spat) "Obviously."

(At this moment, fortunately for more than one person, Daniel comes downstairs)

I dunno, folks. With conversations like these, I've definitely been feeling the urge to practice my "Eyes of Hate" glare once more.